Seinfeld Post

It’s impossible to be “up” all the time. I do put on a good show of it though, but it takes a lot of energy. By the time I get to the weekend, all I can do is vegetate. Mentally, it’s time for a vacation, but calendar time says it’s still a little over a month away. I should be going to a surprise goodbye party for someone this evening and I just can’t. I can’t make conversation. I can’t listen to conversation. I will read and watch a little TV and have dinner and go to bed early to start a new work week tomorrow. I’m doing the best I can. Maybe I’m also feeling a little guilty because I should go, but I won’t go. Guilt also drains energy, trust me.

The book I’m reading now led me to two blogs that the author maintains. I was jealous. What I do in my journal, he does on his blog. That isn’t an option for me for several reasons and it’s frustrating.

Do you know that I have maintained this current job for longer than any other job I’ve had in my life? Do you know that I am making the highest salary I’ve ever made in my life? I have more money in the bank and in funds than I’ve ever had in my life. There’s a “but” that should come after that, only I’m not quite sure what it is. I can’t say that I’m unhappy, and yet there are times I don’t feel happy. I guess that’s just the natural flow of life. Plus, I’ve never been 52 before. It makes me uncomfortable.

There’s an 8 x 10 of me that’s behind the bedroom door and I rarely even notice that it’s there. I noticed it the other day. It’s about 10 years old. I’m standing behind the first car I ever bought in the UAE, a KIA Sportage. There’s a story to that car, but I’ll save it for another time. I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself or whining or whatever this is. Anyway, it’s up on top of Jebel Hafit in Al Ain. I remember the trip and that was a good day. We were with Tony and Sarah. I didn’t have any white hair then. I still had a goatee. I look better with facial hair, actually, but I can’t grow it now because it all comes out white. Small children would come up to me and tell me what they want for Christmas. Get the idea?

Sometimes, I wish life came with narration. You know, like that woman on “Desperate Housewives” who killed herself, but hangs out watching and commenting on everything that happens and then usually ties up each episode into a theme. Or maybe not.

I miss my lame attempts at writing fiction. I haven’t plotted or written fiction since the last time I took an online writing course, which was almost two years ago. Val was still here then and she offered support. I miss creating characters and plotting and then trying to put it all into words which don’t embarrass me.

So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to post this and do a couple of other things on my blog. Then I’m going through each room in the flat making notes of what I want done. I’m going to have a company come in and paint while I’m on my vacation and then I want to re-do several things in the flat after I return. I had thought of moving but with rent inflation what it is here, I’m better off just staying where I am. Then I’m going to make a list of things I have to get done before I leave for my vacation. I like lists. They keep me organized. Then I’ll write in my journal and include all the bits and pieces I can’t say here. I’ll do the dishes and shave and get clothes laid out for work tomorrow and I think I’ll order home delivery from Subway. I’m not in the mood to cook. Then maybe I’ll watch a movie because none of the shows I like to watch are on this evening. After that, about 10, I’ll make a nightcap and read my book (the one by the author I’m jealous of). At 5 the alarm will go off and I’ll switch on the coffee maker before I take my shower.

Some things to read are listed below.

http://www.salon.com/opinion/feature/2007/06/11/doubt/

Better to be Hamlet than President George
By Peter Birkenhead

http://www.salon.com/opinion/blumenthal/2007/06/14/bush_foreign_policy/

Bush’s European Disaster by Sidney Blumenthal (READ THIS!!!!!!!)

http://www.salon.com/books/review/2007/06/14/eagleton/

What is The Meaning of Life? By Laura Miller